It’s been close to a year since I posted here. I wish I could tell you how radically my life has changed–how I found the answer, the formula, the magic word, to peace and assurance.
Sadly, I cannot. If anything, it has been darker and more confusing the last couple of months, but I do have a precious, new granddaughter since I last posted. We don’t do boys, evidently. I have two daughters, and they have 5 girls between them.
My husband has steady work now, which is an incredible blessing. I still have a job (with co-workers who frustrate the heck out of me.) We still have our house, food, indoor plumbing, A/C, cars money to go out to eat. But, somehow, I still feel robbed of some of the things we used to have, or be able to do. My husband’s arrest will never (thanks to the internet (sarcasm)) be a faint memory.
I find that I am angry about that, my siblings insensitivity, losing the will and ability to work on my novels, losing the plans and dreams we had for the future.
Yes, it is gratitude I should be feeling, but I do and I don’t. Is it God who speaks into my heart, or is it sometimes Satan? Is it true that if I read my Bible everyday, pray for at least 10 minutes everyday, stop cussing, give 10% to my church, then I will feel God’s love on me like the warmth of the sun when you’ve been cold for a while? Does God truly NOT see my sins? Somehow, I just cannot believe that.
I’m still in counseling. But the urge to scream loud and long is with me a lot.