Going through the motions

Going through the motions, Jesus,

Singing praise to You,

Even though my heart feels hollow

In everything I do.

Going through the motions, Jesus,

Wishing prayers would flow,

But I don’t trust my motives

There’s confusion in my soul.

Going through the motions, Jesus,

Wondering how it can be

That I can be so doubtful

After all You’ve done for me.

Going through the motions, Jesus,

Longing for the day

When peace will be the hallmark

Of my life and always stay.

Going through the motions, Jesus,

Please write it on the wall,

That You will still delight in  me

Through all the times I fall

I’m tired of going through the motions, Lord

Sink Your love into my heart

Wrap me in Your loving arms

Make my life Your work of art.

I wrote the above lines in church this morning.  I was singing along and realized it was just what I always do.  I haven’t written here in quite a few months.  I really thought I was getting better, moving past my past.  However, the last few months have been “drifty.”  

I guess I had expectations of God that I didn’t realize, but now that those expectations have not come through, it’s obvious I had them.  My poor therapist is hearing the same angst, seeing the same tears week after week.  I don’t know how he stands it.

I’m tired of being nice to co-workers who continually screw up because they refuse to learn how to do something right, or they blame it on their computer.  And yet, I’m still nice.

I’m tired of a boss who has absolutely no backbone, and takes for granted all the crap I have done to keep his business open.  And yet, I’m still nice.

I’m tired of friends who don’t tell me the truth, forget my birthday, and don’t pay their share of the bill.  And yet, I’m still nice.  And then there is the friend who, no matter what hell is going on in my life, it cannot be as bad as hers.  When we’re together, 90% of the conversation is about how tough she has it.  She has no idea how depressed I have been in the last two months because everything is about her.

I’ve prayed, begged, sobbed, read my Bible, gone to therapy….but God feels far, far away.