Surely there are other Christians who have wrestled with confusion about who God is–how He loves us, or not; how He punishes us, or not; whether He REALLY can pay attention to each of us every single minute, or not.
My confusion has been created from half a century of mixed messages–messages that were stated from the pulpit, messages from the demeaning words and treatment that some of my siblings subjected me to, even some from my marriage before we got into counseling. And a great big ol’ rejection smack from my “former therapist.”
So, I have been thinking a lot about how it would be nice to wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. I’d read Brennan Manning, C.S. Lewis and Paul Ellis. I’d listen to Louie Giglio, Brennan Manning, and my own pastor speak, and Matt Maher, Phil Wickham, Big Daddy Weave and Steven Curtis Chapman sing.
I would stay away from the prosperity preachers, the “God’s-gonna-get-ya” crowd, and the folks who say Jesus can change lives but don’t truly believe in redemption (there are TONS of those “Christians” around).
I thought my crisis of faith happened two years ago, but what is happening now is so unnerving, frustrating and depressing. When you think you’ve been making strides in recovery and then run into this kind of cobweb, it’s scary, and feels like you can’t get the strands of web off of yourself, or, in this case, out of your brain.
And, once again, I am asking God, “what is going on?”