thepalmofhishand

What in the World is God up to?

Month: August, 2014

I’ve Turned a Corner…

10 days ago, I was babysitting my youngest grandchild, and while she was napping, I was praying. I became aware of a lightening of my spirit. It wasn’t overly dramatic, but it was palpable. My soul finally believed more than disbelieved that God loves me unconditionally.

Doesn’t sound like it should have taken me 50 years to come to that point, does it? But I’ve been wrestling with the after-effects of childhood abuse for many, many years. After my world crashed in the summer of 2012 because of my husband’s arrest, I started a journey of at least once-a-week counseling sessions, a 12-step recovery program, and hours and hours of tearful prayer.

Quite honestly, I had come to believe that insecurity about who I was to God would be my thorn in the flesh that would keep me on my face before Him.

So much has happened in the last 26 months. If I’d had any idea what I was going to go through in that miserable scorching summer of 2012, I would have ended it all before I got to the good stuff—-reckon that’s why God doesn’t tip His hand.

Am I serene, secure and selfless all the time now? No…but I am so much better than I used to be.

You can’t hurry God; He may not come when you want Him, but He’s right on time. (I stole that from a song)

Thank you, God, for the gift of grace through Your son, Jesus Christ. Thank you for the people you have brought into my life in the last 26 months, especially Jon, my counselor, my friends at CR, and my pastor, Shane.

Hang in there, fellow struggles who feel like the pain will never end. It just takes a while to get to the good stuff.

Amen

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Spiritual amnesia…

Surely there are other Christians who have wrestled with confusion about who God is–how He loves us, or not; how He punishes us, or not; whether He REALLY can pay attention to each of us every single minute, or not.

My confusion has been created from half a century of mixed messages–messages that were stated from the pulpit, messages from the demeaning words and treatment that some of my siblings subjected me to, even some from my marriage before we got into counseling. And a great big ol’ rejection¬†smack from my “former therapist.”

So, I have been thinking a lot about how it would be nice to wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. I’d read Brennan Manning, C.S. Lewis and Paul Ellis. I’d listen to Louie Giglio, Brennan Manning, and my own pastor speak, and Matt Maher, Phil Wickham, Big Daddy Weave and Steven Curtis Chapman sing.

I would stay away from the prosperity preachers, the “God’s-gonna-get-ya” crowd, and the folks who say Jesus can change lives but don’t truly believe in redemption (there are TONS of those “Christians” around).

I thought my crisis of faith happened two years ago, but what is happening now is so unnerving, frustrating and depressing. ¬†When you think you’ve been making strides in recovery and then run into this kind of cobweb, it’s scary, and feels like you can’t get the strands of web off of yourself, or, in this case, out of your brain.

And, once again, I am asking God, “what is going on?”