What in the World is God up to?

Month: January, 2014

The Trip Up the Mountain is Endless…

The past 19 months have been a climb of epic proportions.   The first 6 months were absolutely hellish; then there were about 2 good months, and then another hellish 5 months.  It has been varying ever since.  I reach a point where it seems I’ve turned a corner, or my husband and I together have turned a corner–only to run smack into a wall.  Strangely, the walls don’t get any softer, even after all this time of prayer, counseling, and 12-step help.

There is one HUGE plus that has been constant for the past 9 months and that is my therapist.  So, so glad God got me away from the “narcissist” therapist I saw for a while.  Unfortunately, there are quite a few narcissist in the field of counseling and you have to be careful who you spend time with, and that’s not easy when you’re already hurting and dealing with skewed perceptions.  Just beware of a therapist who likes to talk about themselves as much as they discuss your issues with you, or one that gets a little too combative if you disagree with some pronouncement they make.

I am in a women’s 12-step program now, too.  I am still very cautious about sharing much with the group, in part because I know at least one of the women shot her mouth off after one of our first meetings.  It’s been hard not to slap the crap out of her.

I’m hoping to get back to the place where I believe my husband loves me unconditionally (yes, I was actually there for about 2 weeks three months ago).  I’m doing better with believing God loves me unconditionally.

I will be 57 in a few weeks.  I feel old, but I am feeling better about where I am.



The Despair that had been my constant companion for 18 months is lifting….

I started posting here at a time when I was drowning in despair, heartache, pain, anger, doubt and hopelessness.  Somewhere along the way, those negatives began to lessen.  It was difficult to realize it at the time, but in the past two months even I can say, “yes, I can feel a difference in my life.”

That’s huge.  I still can get teary quite easily, but it’s almost always over how incredible God has been to us instead of how hopeless I felt that He would ever heal us.  God is amazing.  I don’t understand SO much of who He is and His plan, but the work He has done in my life and the blessings He has given us through the last 19 months have been awesome.

It helps that there are several people in my life that God uses to speak to me, but there is no confusion about who is doing the talking.  Still, those people who have been brought into my life are some of my favorite people.

My husband and I are finally in a healthy marriage…and it only took 35 years and a “catastrophe” to get there.

My top prayer is that my grandchildren will always know God loves them unconditionally,  and that they will love Him back.