thepalmofhishand

What in the World is God up to?

Month: December, 2013

The post-Christmas Blues

It’s almost inevitable–the blues show up after the Christmas celebration is over.  It showed up with a vengeance today.

I hate it, not just because it is ridiculous to be depressed after spending time with family and friends, but because I have tumbled back down the hill a good bit.  The heavy feeling of “God really is not very happy with you” is hanging over me.

I am 18 months into therapy, a year into a recovery group, 18 months into tons of prayer, yet have lost ground today. 

Work was a b*%^h this past week.  Year-end paperwork, discovering that the people I work for have not been doing something that they were supposed to do, and an audit in the works.  My brain is old–not sure how much more it can hold and process.

Finances here at home are still dicey and I wonder if God will ever let me feel “settled” about that again, or if I’m simply to easily lulled into complacency when my finances seem secure.

My grandkids are fantastic, though, and they bring me such incredible joy. 

It seems like it’s been forever since I talked to my therapist.  It’s not been a week yet, but the week has been big highs and big lows.  My mind is mentally and emotionally exhausted.

And it’s about to be a new year. 2014.  When did I get this old?

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Merry Christmas….

It’s 10:55 p.m., December 24, 2013.  I’m still downstairs, which is unusual for me at this time of night.   It’s been a long day, too.  We’ve spent time with family and then made the 150 mile drive home to a house with not a single gift wrapped and the kitchen cluttered with all sorts of bags and sacks of fruit, avocados, and other grocery items.

We got home about 5:30 and planned to stay in the rest of the evening.  We had no plans for Christmas Eve with our kids.  We will all get together on December 26.  But dear friends called and asked us if we wanted to come over to their house, so we went.

We had a great time, ate a little, played a game, and laughed a lot.  They are precious friends.

After having a really great week last week, I was sailing along smoothly until we received word of a financial decision that we have to make ( a really unfair decision, in my opinion).  I hate financial hitches.   And then, while visiting with my elderly parents today, they received a call that the person who was coming in to be home help tomorrow was too sick to come.  My siblings that live in the same town will be over to see them, but they really can’t be left alone for very long.  So, my husband and I are about to leave to return to our home when my mom gets this call, and suddenly, there is the worry about what to do, and the guilt I feel about not living closer.

I have made some good progress in not being overwhelmed by things that upset me.   But, it’s Christmas time and money woes and elderly parent woes all add up to getting home and crying.

I still can’t figure out why, if God wants us to know Him better, He makes us go through these life gyrations on earth.  Laughing with good friends can take your mind off of uncomfortable issues for a while, but the litter that gets thrown on the side of the road in your life seems to be endless, even if there are stretches that are nearly litter-free.

There is still so much that is unfathomable.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.

I think we’ve truly turned a corner…

I’m almost afraid to say that out loud.  It’s been a long, painful at times, 18 months.

My husband is in a Christian recovery group, well, so am I, now.  He is doing really well, and he’s been given a chance to earn a living with a charity here in town by helping them raise money and keep track of everything they do.

We have been blessed with two granddaughters this year.  So incredibly blessed.  Our daughters were and are fantastic, wonderful children, and holding their children just multiplies the joy.

I can actually say that there have been some positive changes in the way I perceive life.  God has been good in sticking with me and returning me to a wonderful therapist that God has worked through to help me begin the process of forgiving and not hating myself.

I still wonder what’s ahead of me.  I’ll be 57 in two months.  I’d love to go to college and get a degree in counseling, but we don’t have the money for tuition or for me to work less hours, and I’m not so sure my brain is still agile enough to do the work it would take to get a degree.

When does a dream become just a selfish desire?  It has been difficult for me to believe it was okay for me to have dreams after all that has happened.

18 months ago, 12 months ago, I would never have believed we would be where we are now.  I am deeply grateful.  And my cup is filled to overflowing when I hold a grandbaby.