Gaping, Open Wounds…
The last two days have been emotionally and mentally exhausting. I’ve thought about suicide a lot–I have three adorable grandkids and another on the way; that should give you an idea how ragged I feel. Today, I have honestly felt like there were claws ripping t my heart, and it seems like it’s never going to end.
To pray or not to pray, that is the question. Can we Really change God’s mind with our prayers? If we can’t, what’s the point in pleading with Him to rescue me. If we can change His mind, what am I doing incorrectly in the way I pray for it to have made no difference.
Doing the exercises in the workbook for childhood sexual abuse has not been as “easy” as I thought it would be. (I’m not even to the chapters that deal with the Actual abuse yet). But even the preliminary stuff reminds me of how I felt as a child and that’s not much fun in certain respects.
My best friend in town has become a grandmother and I rarely hear from her anymore. I know how much fun grandkids can be, but I don’t think I’d give up being with an adult I enjoy to spend all my time with them. I guess it’s different for her.
I feel old, worn and wounded…and I’m not sure I will ever feel better again.