This Blog has Been Embarrassing…

by irenedavid

If you’ve read many entries in this blog, you probably think I’m a nut case…well, I kinda am.  Abused sexually, physically and emotionally as a child, I became incredibly self-protective and developed strong borderline tendencies.  It took the shattering of my life as I knew it due to my husband’s arrest for me to finally go to therapy.

Having always been confused regarding what I thought about God, the crisis left me pinging like a pinball from one side to the other–God hated me, God loved me, I had no right to ask God to take care of me, God had promised to take care of me.  Swinging back and forth from one pole to the other, dropping like a stone for days at a time after having a day or two of comparative lightheartedness, was, and still is, mind-boggling disorienting.

Throw in a therapist who is a little too much of a narcissist to be working with someone like me breaking trust with me and causing one of the most painful episodes of my life since my childhood, and you’ve got a screwed-up middle-aged woman who has thought more about suicide in the last three months than the rest of her life combined.

Still, here I am 14 months after my life crashing down in tiny little pieces around me–married to the same man, who is doing well in recovery, with a new grandchild and another on the way, loved by the two best daughters in the world.

We’re still making the house payments, and thank you, God, we had no other debt.  We hit the brakes on any unnecessary spending, and thank you, again, God, we had a health savings account that has paid for our therapy.

I am now back with my original therapist who actually has a plan for me to recover from my childhood trauma. (Imagine that–a PLAN!)

It is not all sunshine and roses.  My theology is still very shaky, I have forgiveness issues not only with my siblings and in-laws, but now the “fiasco” therapist.

Very often, my prayers include the line, “please God, be real.”  I desperately need God to be real, be the God of the New Testament, be the God of grace, and I need that solidified in my brain.