What in the World is God up to?

Month: August, 2013

Enough already…!

I am so overwhelmed right now. I am reading and writing through a workbook to help me with my childhood issues. My therapist, who is thoughtful and not a bit narcissistic, gave it to me, and we will discuss parts of it in my sessions.
I am taking a course in Social Psychology; it’s not for credit, but it’s important to me to do well. I work for a healthcare provider, and right now healthcare is in tremendous flux and the changes that must be made for our office to stay “legal” involve a ton of paperwork and attendance at meetings. On top of that, several of the insurance companies we work with are changing their websites to make things “easier” for healthcare providers. I don’t know about you, but having to learn the “easier” websites is a major pain.
My husband still doesn’t have a full-time job, although God has been taking very good care of us, but I still feel stress about our finances.
On top of all of it, I am still so shaky in my theology, which is what I hate the most. But it will probably take the most work and the longest amount of time to settle.
I would give a lot for a weekend away in a hotel room located in a town
where I don’t know anybody.
People always say “God will never give someone more than they can handle.”
Sometimes, I wonder.


This Blog has Been Embarrassing…

If you’ve read many entries in this blog, you probably think I’m a nut case…well, I kinda am.  Abused sexually, physically and emotionally as a child, I became incredibly self-protective and developed strong borderline tendencies.  It took the shattering of my life as I knew it due to my husband’s arrest for me to finally go to therapy.

Having always been confused regarding what I thought about God, the crisis left me pinging like a pinball from one side to the other–God hated me, God loved me, I had no right to ask God to take care of me, God had promised to take care of me.  Swinging back and forth from one pole to the other, dropping like a stone for days at a time after having a day or two of comparative lightheartedness, was, and still is, mind-boggling disorienting.

Throw in a therapist who is a little too much of a narcissist to be working with someone like me breaking trust with me and causing one of the most painful episodes of my life since my childhood, and you’ve got a screwed-up middle-aged woman who has thought more about suicide in the last three months than the rest of her life combined.

Still, here I am 14 months after my life crashing down in tiny little pieces around me–married to the same man, who is doing well in recovery, with a new grandchild and another on the way, loved by the two best daughters in the world.

We’re still making the house payments, and thank you, God, we had no other debt.  We hit the brakes on any unnecessary spending, and thank you, again, God, we had a health savings account that has paid for our therapy.

I am now back with my original therapist who actually has a plan for me to recover from my childhood trauma. (Imagine that–a PLAN!)

It is not all sunshine and roses.  My theology is still very shaky, I have forgiveness issues not only with my siblings and in-laws, but now the “fiasco” therapist.

Very often, my prayers include the line, “please God, be real.”  I desperately need God to be real, be the God of the New Testament, be the God of grace, and I need that solidified in my brain.


I’m so Tired, I Won’t be Surprised if I Die Tomorrow

I’m exhausted, deeply wounded, hopeless in mind, body and spirit.  It is really starting to take a toll on me.  For the last few weeks, I have felt like if I slept 12 hours a day, it would still not be enough.

I can’t interrupt any task I’m doing at work because I literally can’t remember what I was doing before the interruption.I have told my two best friends that I won’t be in touch for a while because the energy it takes to email or text them is too much.

There are so many people who talk about the times of “refreshing” that God gives people when they’ve been under a heavy load for a long time.  Yeah, well, a thousand years are a second to God, and that seems to be the time table that I’m operating under.

I just want to run away somewhere and sleep all day long, get up, take a long soak in the tub, eat a little something, and go back to sleep.  I’m tired of thinking, of crying, of hurting–tired to the point of wondering if I will even be able to get out of bed tomorrow.



Wow.  I didn’t think God’s disgust for me could get any more plain.  But I called a suicide hotline and the person I was talking to disconnected my call.


Feeling Kinda Hinky…

The last few days have been sorta weird; can’t figure out what I’m feeling.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my theology after listening to probably too many preachers and reading too many writers.

I’ve had two sessions with my therapist this week; the first, just talking about how things were and my confusion, the second, to talk about the process we are using to help me move on from painful memories.My father went home from the physical rehab facility.  I don’t know how long he will be able to stay there.  At 90, with my mom at nearly 86, even with help, it is only a matter of time.  I find myself praying he will die in his own bed before he gets to the point where he doesn’t recognize loved ones and/or can’t feed himself.
Work has been a b***h for several weeks now.  The stress of getting everything done in a place where it seems that I care more about the business than the owner does is wearing me out. 

I am still dealing with my feelings about my “fiasco” therapist.

I can’t do some things that I used to do.  There’s almost a fear associated with them.  I have avoided walking on the treadmill because that’s what I was doing when my husband was arrested.  I haven’t finished a few craft projects, yet I’m not sure why I’m “afraid” to do those.  My bookkeeping has gone out the window because money issues freak me out now.  I know enough to be sure that we can buy groceries and pay bills, but I don’t want the numbers always before me–I kept a pretty fixed schedule of watching my bank balance and credit card balance for so many years.  I don’t read mysteries anymore, don’t listen to much of the music that I used to listen to, don’t watch near as much tv.  I think there’s a part of me that still believes I have to “be good” to stay in God’s  grace.

I don’t know how I feel about my siblings.  Sometimes, it seems that I have forgiven them, but then there will be a moment when the pain hits again and I’m sure I haven’t.

I want to rewrite the first two chapters of a novel I wrote three years ago, but I’ve lost the mojo for the feeling and mode of the story. 

And I just keep getting older every single day.

I’m glad the terror and panic have not been present much lately, but limbo is a strange place, too.  Maybe humans (or maybe it’s just me) are never completely at ease with uncertainty.  It’s not like any of us ever have true certainty in our lives (except death and taxes), but a lot of folks (including myself for any number of years before 2012) think their life is sailing along with a great deal of certainty.

I think I’m babbling now.  Things just seem so funky right now, and I am uneasy. 

Not fun.


How Can it be Trying too Hard When I’ve Been Such a Lazy Christian?

My moods have been all over the place the last two weeks. I have gone from feeling like a slug to feeling like I was truly a dearly loved child of God, and back down again. So here’s a bunch of one-liners to sum up my last 14 days.

Both of my therapists have told me I’m too hard on myself, that I have unreasonable expectations for myself….How is that possible when I’ve been such a lazy, complacent, smug Christian?

If we accept any of The Gospel (God loves us and Christ died to wipe out our sins) then don’t we have to accept it all? John 14:27 (NIV) 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

My 90-year-old father is showing signs of dementia. How awful is it that I hope he will die in his own bed before he loses his ability to recognize his family?

My daughters still seem to be slightly distant. Will they ever move past what happened in the summer of 2012?

My granddaughters are better than drugs. They lighten my heart.

Sex with your spouse is wonderful, even after 35 years. Especially after 35 years.

This world is incredibly broken. We are horrible to each other; don’t cherish people as we should, especially the ones who can do nothing for us. The passion for ridiculous possessions is out of control. Common courtesy has become rare courtesy. Many Christians are the reason their neighbors want nothing to do with Christ.

I’ve been praying for a raise. I received a $2 an hour raise without even asking.

God loves us. We literally have no idea how much.


Am I a Wilderness Israelite?

The following paragraph is from a blog by Justin. The title is Jesus and Grace and the date was July 31, 2013. I am posting it here because I’m afraid I’m a “wilderness Israelite.”

Think about the story of the Israelites. They were freed from slavery. Then they marched out into the desert to go and live in a land that was better than anything they could have imagined. But a whole generation never made it through the desert simply because they did not believe that God was good. They lived in between slavery and goodness, forgiven but never making it to their destiny. They completely fell short of what God had for them. Everyday they saw the goodness of God, literally protecting and feeding them, but they didn’t believe that He was good.

Yikes! This sounds terribly like who I am right now. Because of my past and my immature faith, I am wandering in the desert, not living the life God has offered me. Because I struggle to believe He is good–that’s what it breaks down to if I am not sure of His incredible love for me.

I have millisecond flashes of what my life could be if I could move past my fear. It’s maddening because I can’t hold onto it. I am still grieving and I’m not even sure what it is I’m grieving.

I really want to send out a mass email, asking everyone I know to pray for me at a set time on a certain day that I will lose my fear. I’m so sick of living this way.