Whiter Shade of Pale
I chose this title because I never did completely understand what that song was about.
For the vast majority of my life, especially the last year, I have never understood who God was. The past few months, I have been reading books by “Grace” writers, trying and hoping I could believe that God loved me unconditionally. So many people have encouraged me to believe this. I’m glad they can believe it for themselves. I pray it for my children and my grandchildren. Even my husband can believe it.
But today, I’ve realized that either I am not a Christian, or that God is not the God I think He is, or there is no God.
God has been very good to me through the course of my life. I have two of the most loving, smartest, beautiful daughters, and they married wonderful men. I have three precious granddaughters and another grandchild on the way. I’ve lived in Europe. I was safe on countless trans-Atlantic flights. I have friends who actually like me.
In the past months, I have wrestled with God, yelled at Him, been angry with Him. That was all incredibly sinful. The ache of my heart has been such that I thought if I just shouted loud enough and long enough, God would relieve my pain. I have begged and prayed for God to give me the faith to believe that He loved me unconditionally, but there has been no “sudden” revelation like so many folks write about.
The truth is that God gets to do with His creation whatever He wants. He’s been better to me than I deserve.
In the Old Testament, God said, “Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.” He (I don’t think) actually hated Esau, He just gave the blessing to Jacob. Esau still was cared for by God, but he was not chosen for the blessing.