The four most difficult words to say AND mean….

by irenedavid

Yeah, I know.  I keep “promising” to stop posting and then I’m back again.

It has been such a weird few weeks.  I’ve started a new plan of therapy with my original therapist, which is crawling along (did I mention that patience is not my long suit; hell, it’s not even my short suit–it’s a singleton club (hopefully, people will understand enough about the game of bridge to know what that means).)  My husband and I celebrated our 35th anniversary, which evoked all manner of feelings, emotions, and pure, old anger in me.  My dad, who is 90, is back in the hospital for one set of problems that became an entirely different set when he had a small stroke in the speech center of his brain.  He’s doing fairly well for his age and condition.

I have been awake since 2:30 a.m., which is never a good sign for me.  It means I will be fighting to keep my head off my desk by 10:00 a.m.  I’ve chased my spiritual rabbits round and round this morning, which I’ve done so much of in the past 13 months, you’d think I’d figured out the meaning of life by now–if not everyone’s, at least my own.

It occurred to me around 7:00 a.m. that the four most difficult words to say and mean are, “I trust You, God.”

Anyone who tells you that’s not true is either smoking something, selling something, or they are an atheist.  Honestly, if every Christian could say those words AND mean them, this world would be a completely different place.  We would be totally different people.

I have been living with some level of fear for 13 months.  I had struggled with fear before, but this is the longest bout with one of my most severe fears.  So how come deciding that I will say “I trust You, God” fills me with even more fear?

I know exactly why it is–because now God is going to have terrible things happen to me or those I love just to see if I really mean those words.  Honestly, that’s how my brain works.  Is that incredibly sad or what?  God, my creator who has said repeatedly that He loves me, scares the pee right out of me.  Here’s the deal; if I trust Him, I’ll get punched in the stomach, or thrown down and molested, or blindsided like I was last summer, or be thrown a couple of cheap shots from a professional that writes on the company web page–“It takes a lot of courage to pour your heart out to a ….. therapist. Vulnerability and honesty can lead to rejection or change, both of which can knock the breath right out of us. Pat yourself on the back for even thinking about sharing the hard stuff with someone.”

See, I have been well-trained to not trust, and I really don’t.  I am always wary.  And as I was typing that, I was suddenly filled with intense sorrow for not trusting God, who offered up His Son to make me righteous and adopt me into His family.  I would NEVER offer one of my children up to God as a sacrifice.

satan loves to speak as though he’s “concerned” about my relationship with God.  “You’re a terrible sinner; how can God love you?”  As though he really cares about how my sinfulness makes God feel.  No, satan knows that if I can feel mired in my guilt and shame, I will want to either hide from God or spend so much time begging for forgiveness-that He’s already imparted-that I’ll be paralyzed and stand in the middle of the road–the prodigal that just can’t believe that her dad is so glad to see her back home that he’s throwing a party.

Does it matter how lavish and beautiful the party is if I cannot make myself attend?

The four most difficult words to mean…”I trust You, God.”