by irenedavid

A few months ago, I wrote a post about prayer and cited different scriptures which all described the way to pray, but they were all different.

I’ve been reading a lot of “grace” writings lately because it has become obvious to me that nothing I do can improve my standing with God.  But that, too, is incredibly frustrating because I’ve written a couple of the grace writers and asked them how to overcome my inability to believe that God loves me unconditionally.

When I asked the fiasco therapist about this, he said, “you have to come up with the faith to believe.”  Well, scripture says Jesus is the author of my faith, so how do I “come up” with faith?  Another person said much the same, “your faith will lead you to believe that.”  Then, one of the grace writers responded by saying faith comes from “looking at God’s unconditional love for me.”  I thought I had to have faith first.

They all agree that there are no conditions on God’s love and grace, but the Bible verse for today on a certain website is, “If you keep My commands, you will remain in My love.”  John 15:10a.  Sounds a little conditional.

I am also sick to death of people who keep saying,”Your miracle is just around the corner.” or “God is going to do a mighty work with you.”  Really?  How do you know that?  Got a direct line to God?  Or is it just easier to march out a little platitude that sounds good?

Have I prayed?  Yeah, I’ve spent hours and hours in prayer, with tears running down my face, anguish screaming out of my heart, on my face on the ground, on my knees, with my hands lifted to heaven….

How much better are things after more than a year of heartache, grief, prayer, begging God to work in my heart, begging for peace?  They’re worse, at least for me.  I am grateful that my husband is in recovery; I truly am.  But so many things in my life seem to indicate that my part in all of this was to find him a 12-step program and a therapist.  I’ve spent a year in therapy and one of the therapist was such a smug, narcissistic bastard that the sessions many times were about what had happened to him in his life, and how he felt about how the session was going.  He can’t even admit that he screwed up.  He will dance all around it, but he won’t admit it.  I have since talked with my other therapist and read a blog by a psychologist that hints at the problems with narcissists who get into the counseling field.I’m still working through the decision about whether or not to confront him.  He was always so in favor of me doing that with my siblings.

Work has been crap this week.  Some of my co-workers are lazy and screw up often.  The problem there is that the boss doesn’t like to confront anyone about anything.  I have told him repeatedly what the major problems are and he keeps saying we will have a staff meeting about it.  The first time he said that was six weeks ago.

I don’t know if I will post much anymore.  Writing is supposed to help with releasing some of the stress I feel.  It doesn’t; putting it down in black and white just makes me angrier.