Resigned…

by irenedavid

You know how in the fall and winter months there can be days when it’s raining, and if you have to get out in it too much you feel as though the cold has seeped into the marrow of your bones?  That’s where I am with deep sadness and grief right now.  It has settled into my bones and there doesn’t appear to be any way to “warm up” and make it disappear.

I’ve given up.  I’m tired of people quoting Romans 8:28–And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Or maybe that is true and I don’t love him enough.  Or maybe the Potter gets to do exactly what he wants with the clay.

There have been too many people in my life who were supposed to love me or care deeply about me because of the relationship we shared, but instead chose to kick the shit out of me, sometimes quite literally, and sometimes with words, which actually carry so much more venom and long-lasting pain.

My 35th anniversary is Monday.  We’re scheduled to go out to eat with our kids (which I specifically had to ask for; they didn’t offer.)  And I am wondering if it is really a wise thing for us to do because I’m not exactly sure what we will be celebrating.

It feels like the life is just draining right out of me.  I’ve never felt so old.  And I don’t think I’ve ever felt this hopeless.  A year ago, it was horrible because the trauma was so fresh, but after the first couple of weeks, I really thought things would get better, especially in a year.

Haha.  Joke’s on me.

My husband will go to the last meeting with the “fiasco” therapist; I can’t make myself go and not punch him in his smug, narcissistic face.  My original therapist really thinks it would be good for me to write a letter to the fiasco, just to practice confronting people who’ve treated me like crap.  So, I have to think about that.

Trying to work through forgiveness is another joke.  I don’t think I’ll ever forgive my siblings or my in-laws.  It’a all I can do not to put a really bare bones, honest critique on my fiasco’s FB page.  I’m sure he’d take it off as soon as he saw it.  He wants positive only, not honesty.

It’s hotter than hell here today.  How apropos.

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