Which Way is Up…?

by irenedavid

Any time, God.  Any time.  We’re more than ready right now.  We’ve been praying and going to therapy, crying, wrestling, agonizing, aching….You get the picture, don’t You?  When does life start looking up for several days, dare I say weeks, at a time?

Heard another sermon today on God’s readiness to help us in our times of need–we just have to call out to Him.  How many times would that be?  Do I need to climb Everest to be as close to heaven as possible so I can be sure He’ll hear me?

I had one of the most intense waves of “God is not there” that I’ve ever had today.  A “friend” who doesn’t really think I should be going to therapy gave me a book today that proposes that people who struggle with their faith are choosing to struggle because they can make the decision not to.  REALLY?  That simple, is it?

I go to therapy tomorrow to start the process of going through my most painful memories.  I asked my husband today if he wanted to just make a suicide pact.  I really am not eager to sludge through horrible memories again, but I am so hoping that this process will help me with them.  If it doesn’t….

Have I mentioned that most of my siblings have been absolute jerks (that’s the cleanest word I could think of to use) through all of this last year.  One sibling was a complete and total ass; the spouse of that sibling has not spoken, emailed, texted, written once in the last year.  Not a freaking whisper.  And all this from “Christians” who would tell you that Grace is THE thing.  Yeah, right.  Of course, these are the same siblings that made my childhood hell.