Sick to Death…
I really don’t like myself today; I mean REALLY don’t. I have fallen right back into being a practical atheist. Depression, unbelief and being worn out are back in full force.
I have (supposedly; I’m honestly not sure anymore) been a Christian for 43 years. Been in Christian therapy every week of the last year and I’m back to crying and doubting. Just seems like SOMETHING ought to be different.
It’s really frustrating because my husband has made much more progress in his recovery than I have in mine. That seems unfair. I am deeply grateful for the change in my husband’s life, I am. I just don’t understand why my progress is at a snail’s pace. It ultimately ends up making me feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me–so wrong that I can’t be of any use to anyone.
Talked to my fiasco therapist today (my husband and I were together). Talked through some things I am still processing, but I still don’t understand his explanation for some of it. He’s done a lot for us together and individually, but I’m so conflicted about him I can’t go back to see him alone.
My original therapist is going to start discussing my traumatic memories with me to try and help me gain some distance so that they won’t hurt me so badly whenever I think of them. There are several memories that it’s going to be incredibly painful to discuss. Do you know anyone who wants to talk through their brother’s sexual abuse of them, or the emotional and physical abuse that my other two siblings dished out? If this program of therapy doesn’t help me get past this crap, I’m giving up.
God will work through me; I don’t have to “try” to do anything. No wait, I have to try to “do” something; God won’t do any work in me unless I do. So which is it? How the hell am I going to ever get anywhere in my Christian life if I can’t even figure out which of those is the way it is?
To be 56 and this screwed up is so damn disheartening. God, I am worn out. Are You listening?