What in the World is God up to?

Month: June, 2013

I’m so sick of myself…

worst enemy

This sign sums up a great deal of who I am.  I have had enemies who did me great harm in the long-distant past, but my mind does the damage to me now.

I have been in therapy for over a year, and it seems as though I have made only the most minute of advances.

I believe that my husband loves me and does not deliberately try to hurt me, but I can’t rest in the same belief about God.

I don’t know what I will do if the new therapy process I am about to begin doesn’t help me significantly.  Living life this way for the rest of my life is absolutely horrifying.


I’m angry….

I don’t know what’s been going on the last few days.  I had a panic attack at work a couple of days ago.  I’ve had a few bouts of tears, the kind that come from feelings that are deep and painful.  It feels like time is moving backwards instead of forwards.

Saw my friend for lunch; she and her husband have been on vacation for the last ten days.  I left work early because I really needed just to talk.  I ended up listening to her for about 90% of our time together.  I know she needs to talk, too, but when it’s one-sided, it’s REALLY one-sided.

Went to see the ‘fiasco’ therapist today, with my husband, for what will be one of the last times.  The last month with him has just felt incredibly sad to me.  My original therapist will be back in town Monday and I’m so thankful for that.  It’s time to get the process started to see if there’s anyway I can get my head together.

I spend my days either feeling like I’m not a Christian or like there is no God.  I’m in a state of limbo that feels like it’s going to last the rest of my life.

But, I just got a call from a dear friend and he, his wife and baby girl are going to visit us tomorrow on their way through town.  I love this family dearly and I’m so glad they are coming.  In the afternoon, I get to babysit for my grands.

So, I’m thankful for the blessings that are coming my way.


Wow…I can’t believe it’s been four days since I’ve written anything

It’s been a fast weekend.  We went to see my parents Friday afternoon and spent the night.  Came home yesterday afternoon, watched The Avengers (SO glad I didn’t pay to see that in the theater).

Got up and went to church this morning.  Seriously thought about not getting out of bed and going, but not for very long.  I like our church; it is laid-back and very informal, but our pastor has been preaching on Paul’s shipwreck experience and comparing it to the storms in our lives.  He keeps saying God will take us out of our storms.  I don’t think I believe that anymore.

Don’t get me wrong.  God’s been good to us compared to how it could have been.  But I don’t think I will ever go through a day when I don’t think about how my life was shattered, or where I don’t wonder what in the world God is up to.

It’s been over a year now.  I was struck this past Monday about how much work I still have ahead of me.  I’ve been in therapy for over a year, with two different therapists, and I still have a long way to go.  It really pisses me off a bit.

I don’t think I’ll ever have another day where I don’t feel tired at the end of the day–tired of just using the energy to get through a day, tired of wondering how we will buy new tires when we need them, tired of just being who I am now.

Well, I didn’t finish this yesterday (Sunday), so I’ll finish it now.  It’s 8:30 and I’m not at work.  Just needed some time this morning.  It almost feels like I’m back in the dark night of the soul.  My prayer this morning started with “Dear Father, are You real?”  Not a great beginning to a Monday.

Yeah, it’s 8:35 and I’m already tired.


Hurry up…and Wait

For anyone that read yesterday’s post, I slept really well last night, too.  Two nights in a row is darn near a miracle, and I’m deeply grateful for that.

I’ve told you about the therapy I’m going to be doing in the coming weeks.  Had the first session on Monday and went through the assessment with my therapist.  I’m skittish about it because of the pain it will involve, but yesterday evening, I found myself wanting to schedule another session earlier than planned so I could get through it faster.

I’m fairly certain that it’s not something I’m supposed to get through in a hurry.  I will need time to process and grieve over a lot of it.  But I’m tired of waiting.  It’s been over a year since the arrest and it’s been over 30 years that I have been carrying around this pain and it has been impacting my life on a day-to-day basis.

Scripture is full of verses about waiting on The Lord.  Yeah, well, hope deferred makes the heart sick.  That’s the verse I’ve been quoting to God.  And “Waiting for my Real Life to Begin” is rapidly becoming my new theme song.

Sometimes it crosses my mind that God isn’t going to let me live much longer and that’s why there hasn’t been a major breakthrough.  That thought really bums me out.

I can’t make anything happen faster, no matter how much I wish it.





Imagine My Surprise…(yeah, that’s sarcasm)

Above is the link to an NBC news report from today.  Evidently, sibling bullying can leave lasting scars on the child that is bullied.

REALLY?  NO S**T?  Sorry to be so crude, but honestly!  They needed a study to figure that out?!  I could have saved them a lot of money.

God loves irony.  I know because today was my first “tragic memory” appointment with my therapist.  I answered questions for a four-page assessment of my trauma from certain memories that have shaped my life for the last 50 years.  I cried at some of the questions!  No discussion today, just questions, and they are enough to cause tears all these years later.

I haven’t even described in detail to my husband some of the sexual abuse.  I didn’t go into details with my “fiasco” therapist.  And now I’m on the path to telling a therapist that is young enough to be my youngest child the most embarrassing, humiliating, and painful moments of my childhood.

I really need God to show up big time for the future sessions.  And can I tell you how hacked I’m going to be if there is NOT a God?  If there’s not a God, someone is going to catch hell.

I sure hope I can sleep tonight.


Babbling in the early morning hours

I hate nights like tonight–took a Benadryl to help me sleep, but it didn’t.  Finally fell asleep around 10:30 and woke up twice before waking up for good at 1:49.  There is too much on my mind.  I tried to pray while still in the bed but, for the past few days, it has seemed ludicrous to believe in a Supreme Being who can hear everyone’s prayers and pay attention to everyone’s life.

I do believe I have made some changes in the past year, but they are miniscule.  I can’t sustain a belief in God with any consistency.  75% of the time that I do believe in Him, I feel like He really doesn’t like me.  I am no closer to understanding what real forgiveness looks like when it comes to people who have deliberately hurt me.

Just now, I looked at my hands and wondered when I got so old.  I feel years older than I did 14 months ago.

Tired of hearing “God is going to use you and your husband in a mighty way.”  If God used all the screw-ups in a mighty way, this world would be far different than it is.  And on top of that, some of these folks quite often deliver a 30-minute soliloquy on what sucks in their own lives at the moment.

I should have gone to see my parents this weekend, but I couldn’t face it.  I dread going–pretending that I’m doing okay when I really just want to scream that, in spite of months of therapy, I still sit in my “paralysis chair,” afraid of when the other shoe will drop.

Some people keep saying “wait for the miracle.”  Well, hell, for weeks just getting six hours of sleep a night would be a miracle.  Of what miracle are they speaking?

Maybe I’ve run through the gamut of emotions too many times with God–brokenness, despair, anger, fear, unworthiness, anger, remorse, anger, remorse, anger…well, you get the idea.  Perhaps He’s to the point where He glances at me and thinks, “I’ve seen that movie way too many times.”

Sent my siblings an email last week.  In it, I mentioned how the last year had been for me and my husband and our marriage.  I related that we were really working on our individual demons, and our life together.  Got only one response, and it was…I don’t even know how to describe it.  It said, basically, that the sib who wrote it was so sorry they had not been of more support in the last year; that they really regretted that.  Bull shirt.  We live in the same town and I haven’t heard from this particular sib more than five or six times in the last year, and all except one of those conversations took place via email.  Do any of my sibs think I have amnesia and don’t remember their particularly nasty sins?  Maybe they have amnesia.

Do I sound bitter?  Yeah, well, right now, I am.  Bitter, tired, doubtful, frustrated, incomplete, worn out, roadkill, “shut the hell up with your one-line, feel-better cliches.”  Did I mention bone-achingly TIRED of all this crap?

Yeah, it’s 4:30 a.m. and I just don’t care if I sound like a jerk. Funny–why am I certain that God hears my “jerk” thoughts, but not the broken-and-on-my-knees thoughts?


Which Way is Up…?

Any time, God.  Any time.  We’re more than ready right now.  We’ve been praying and going to therapy, crying, wrestling, agonizing, aching….You get the picture, don’t You?  When does life start looking up for several days, dare I say weeks, at a time?

Heard another sermon today on God’s readiness to help us in our times of need–we just have to call out to Him.  How many times would that be?  Do I need to climb Everest to be as close to heaven as possible so I can be sure He’ll hear me?

I had one of the most intense waves of “God is not there” that I’ve ever had today.  A “friend” who doesn’t really think I should be going to therapy gave me a book today that proposes that people who struggle with their faith are choosing to struggle because they can make the decision not to.  REALLY?  That simple, is it?

I go to therapy tomorrow to start the process of going through my most painful memories.  I asked my husband today if he wanted to just make a suicide pact.  I really am not eager to sludge through horrible memories again, but I am so hoping that this process will help me with them.  If it doesn’t….

Have I mentioned that most of my siblings have been absolute jerks (that’s the cleanest word I could think of to use) through all of this last year.  One sibling was a complete and total ass; the spouse of that sibling has not spoken, emailed, texted, written once in the last year.  Not a freaking whisper.  And all this from “Christians” who would tell you that Grace is THE thing.  Yeah, right.  Of course, these are the same siblings that made my childhood hell.


Dear God, where are You?

I honestly thought when the “anniversary” of my husband’s arrest had come and gone, I would start feeling better.

What a mistake.

Today started with me waking up from a bad dream that left me feeling like I was under the weight of a heavy oppression blanket.  Went to work and put out fires all morning–all of them started by a couple of co-workers who cannot seem to learn how to do their jobs correctly.  Then got a call from an extended family member relaying the news that her father had just been told he has less than six months to live.

My best friend is going on vacation tomorrow for 10 days.  I will miss her, but I’m so freaking jealous, too.  I have no idea when we will be able to go on a vacation again, if ever.  Went to the grocery store and had to pull up my pants constantly because I lost weight without trying last summer and I can’t afford to buy new clothes.

After having wonderful weather the first week of June, the heat has climbed into the mid-90’s.  I’m terrified that we will have another merciless summer, weatherwise.

The therapist who has done so much for my husband, me and our marriage is someone I can’t completely trust anymore.

What do You want, God?


What do You want, God?

Sick to Death…

I really don’t like myself today; I mean REALLY don’t.  I have fallen right back into being a practical atheist.  Depression, unbelief and being worn out are back in full force.

I have (supposedly; I’m honestly not sure anymore) been a Christian for 43 years.  Been in Christian therapy every week of the last year and I’m back to crying and doubting.  Just seems like SOMETHING ought to be different.

It’s really frustrating because my husband has made much more progress in his recovery than I have in mine.  That seems unfair.  I am deeply grateful for the change in my husband’s life, I am.  I just don’t understand why my progress is at a snail’s pace.  It ultimately ends up making me feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me–so wrong that I can’t be of any use to anyone.

Talked to my fiasco therapist today (my husband and I were together).  Talked through some things I am still processing, but I still don’t understand his explanation for some of it.  He’s done a lot for us together and individually, but I’m so conflicted about him I can’t go back to see him alone.

My original therapist is going to start discussing my traumatic memories with me to try and help me gain some distance so that they won’t hurt me so badly whenever I think of them.  There are several memories that it’s going to be incredibly painful to discuss.  Do you know anyone who wants to talk through their brother’s sexual abuse of them, or the emotional and physical abuse that my other two siblings dished out?  If this program of therapy doesn’t help me get past this crap, I’m giving up.

God will work through me; I don’t have to “try” to do anything.  No wait, I have to try to “do” something; God won’t do any work in me unless I do.   So which is it?  How the hell am I going to ever get anywhere in my Christian life if I can’t even figure out which of those is the way it is?

To be 56 and this screwed up is so damn disheartening.  God, I am worn out.  Are You listening?

It’s been a year…

It truly has been a year.  The last 12 months have felt like one long, horrible, turbulent plane ride.  Have I mentioned I hate flying?  Anyway, I think I was in shock for the first two months, then the awful reality set in. 

The last three months have been rougher than I imagined. I guess I thought we would be further along in therapy, and financially.  But we have made progress and I’m hoping and praying (really hard) that the worst is over.

Still, we’re at home right now and my nerves are taut.  I want this day to be over.  I want to believe God will bring beauty from the ashes of this last year, to believe that someday I will truly and fully embrace that God feels the same for me as I feel for my two-month-old granddaughter when she is napping on my shoulder.  Tears just stream down my face when that fuzzy little head is on my shoulder.

I’m still conflicted about therapy with my “fiasco” therapist.  I’ve got to settle on something soon.

If you’re reading this, please pray for us.