It’s a Painful Day…

by irenedavid

Flashback to one year ago today, May 21:  My husband and I have left around 1:00 p.m. to head to the Gulf of Mexico for vacation.  It’s before Memorial day, so the beach won’t be littered with pale northern bodies trying to turn brown, turning beet red instead.

We have a great time there; sand and surf in the morning, nap in the afternoon, shrimp, shrimp and more shrimp, walk on the beach at sunset, sleep longer and more deeply at night than we do at home.

It was a fantastic trip.

Fast forward to three weeks later:  My husband gets arrested.  Two weeks after that, he loses his job; four months later, he does 30 days in jail.  Still no job.

Fast forward even more to today, May 21, 2013: He still has no job.  We’ve been in therapy  together and separately for 11 months.  Yesterday and today have been anxiety-ridden, deeply depressing days for me.

Yes, God has brought us through a great deal and been very gentle with us compared to how it could have been.  I am trying to be grateful for the change in my, my husband and our lives.

But, still, I am incredibly sad. Some of the loss we’ve experienced is hard to bear.  I am still so confused about who I am in God’s eyes that there are days when it still feels like my soul is being torn in two.  And I still feel stupid…for not knowing.

My counselor said that my husband’s arrest does not negate the great vacation.  I told him it had cast a shadow over it.  He said if he’d had the best meal of his life, getting sick the next day wouldn’t change that. (He’s obviously never had food poisoning).  I responded that it probably would if he found out it had been horsemeat.