What the Hockey Sticks?
Woke up yesterday morning and was doing okay but, by the time I got out of the shower, I was in tears, begging God to forgive me because I can’t believe He has forgiven me…twisted, huh?
Saw my therapist in the afternoon and asked him how long he thought it would take me to be “un-mental” enough to stop seeing him. He said it took him almost two years to plow through his junk. So I’m looking at seeing him for another year. I asked him how long he could stand seeing me when he was basically hearing and saying the same things over and over. Then, of course, we got into the “why don’t you ask the question you really want to ask” issue and I refused to ask the question straight out because I don’t think he would tell me the truth, so we ended up abandoning the discussion. He thinks I’m in a “good spot” right now; I absolutely hate where I am. Who wants to spend months in the desert with no hint of when they will get out?
We stopped by and saw our daughter and grandkids before we came home. I honestly think holding my one-month-old granddaughter is as good a therapy as my snarky therapist is.
I have chewed the inside of my mouth to shreds. Don’t know why that nervous habit started so late in this desolate, aching year, but I can’t seem to keep from it now. The fight to keep myself level is exhausting. I’m tired of not having any money. I truly need a vacation–not anywhere fancy, just away for a while. But that’s not in the cards, or, rather, the checkbook.
I dread summer coming. Last summer was so horrible; emotionally, mentally, physically and environmentally. Last summer was miserably hot for weeks and weeks with no rain. The earth was scorched, as was my heart and soul.