So, I’m a Liar…sorta.

by irenedavid

It has been a couple of weeks since I wrote that I was out of things to say on this blog.  It’s been a helluva couple of weeks.

Can’t begin to even estimate how many crying jags I’ve been on.  Been swinging widely between “is there a God?” and “there is a God and I don’t know what else to believe.”  Bought another book that promised to help me with my miniscule faith, and instead got yet another book where the writer was in the midst of pain and grief, but God intervened and the writer was suddenly miraculously enlightened about God’s word, His plan, and an incredible peace came over said writer.

These kinds of words and books are meant to comfort and help, but for someone who hasn’t had the “road to Damascus” experience, even after praying constantly for something like it, reading and hearing others repeat their blinding light stories just makes me feel like an infidel or heretic…or unloved by God.

I have also scrapped my plans to send a letter to my siblings about their mistreatment of me when we were kids.  There is still a tinge of vindictiveness in me when I consider sending those, so no can do.

My husband and I have been through several cycles of things are good, things are not good, things really suck.

I have been through the love/hate cycle with my therapist several times.  Right now, I love him like he was one of my own kids; can’t get a story he told me about something that happened to him when he was five years old out of my mind.

Had an absolutely marvelous Mother’s Day with my oldest daughter and her family.  She’s the daughter with the nearly-one-month-old baby, a three-year-old and five-year-old.  I held the baby yesterday and just boo-hooed.  The vulnerability of children these days is terrifying.  I pray  a lot about my grandchildren’s hearts and souls, and ask God to protect them.

Today, I’ve decided to write my treatise of faith.  It won’t be very extensive–there are only two things I’m certain I believe.  Hopefully, there will be additions soon.

We are less than one month from the “anniversary” of my husband’s arrest.  That fact is responsible for a lot of anxiety in my life right now.  I’m paranoid, as though it will happen all over again on that date.

Please, God, I’d love a blinding light.