What Am I Feeling?

by irenedavid

It’s been a big week.  New granddaughter has made her appearance.

Yesterday, our therapist told me and my husband that we didn’t need to come every week for therapy.  He has cancelled my Monday appointments and I will go to every other Thursday.

I’m not sure how I feel about that, although the last three Mondays have not been great in therapy.  I’ve left his office feeling worse than when I went in.  But I’m pretty sure there are still some issues in me that haven’t surfaced and I don’t know what I’ll do when that happens.

For instance, I haven’t cried for four days and on the way home from work today, I started to cry.  I don’t know who I am, I have no idea about what will happen in the next few months, no idea if God will make beauty from ashes of all this mess, or whether life will ever feel “normal” (although I can’t tell you what normal means).

That’s incredibly unsettling.  I have never felt so old.  A year ago, I was 55, but I didn’t “feel” old.  Now I feel every one of my years.

I got to see all my grandkids yesterday, which was wonderful.  A little fuzzy head on my shoulder again is heaven, and hugs and kisses from the two big sisters is soothing.  My husband loves me.

I wish the nagging feelings of insecurity and fear would go away.  There’s a good chance they won’t.  That’s difficult to live with.