God is not mad, bad or dangerous to know

by irenedavid

I am 56 years old; been a Christian for 43.  Been haunted and felt worthless for about 48 years.  Have thought most of that time that God was just waiting for a chance to drop-kick me.

I’ve been the wife of a man I love very much for nearly 35 years.  Yeah, he screwed up big-time last summer, but we’ve both made a ton of mistakes in our marriage.  I’ve had the most beautiful daughters for 33 and 30 years, had the most precious granddaughters for the past five and three years, and another is on the way.  My girls are married to great husbands.

I got to live in Europe for eight years.  I never thought I’d visit Europe, much less live there and travel all over.   I’ve had some great travels here in the U.S.  Had a great dog for 12.5 years.

Have an incredible pastor now in the most laid-back church you’ve ever seen, and have unbelievably wonderful friends that love us, warts and all.

God has never been waiting to drop-kick me.  Just because my siblings and then my in-laws treated me like c**p doesn’t mean that God felt that way about me.

This is the problem with early abuse.  It gets so deeply imprinted on your brain that it colors the rest of your life.  I was putting our medical expenses into a spreadsheet today.  What we have spent on therapy in less than a year is absolutely appalling, and our therapist cut his rate in half for us because of our financial situation.  It bothers me that there was no way we could have shared our problems or hurts with anyone at church.  There is a conspiracy of denial with too many Christians.  It is “I’ll pretend you’re okay if you’ll pretend that I’m okay.”

Folks, it is just wrong that Christians are so judgmental or uptight or holier-than-thou, or just plain scared to admit that they struggle with sin or pain or anger.  We are supposed to bear each others’ burdens and share each others’ joy.  So many churches shoot their wounded. That has got to stop.  We wonder why people mock Christianity—it’s mostly because of the Christians they know.

I’ve learned a hard lesson about sin, but it’s made me no give a hoot in hell who knows my problems.  My pain overcame my fear because I just wanted to get rid of the pain.  No one should have to fight fear to unload their pain, not in the Christian community.

Okay, this post has been all over the place, but I type what’s on my heart.