Five days ago, I wrote that I was done with anything to say in this blog. That’s not completely true.
I don’t believe anything in my life will change; that at 56, my life is effectively over. I don’t think my girls will ever be as open, or want to spend as much time with me as they did before. God certainly has not given me any word or sense of direction in the last 11 months. I can’t pray anymore.
My therapist says that some things will not change. My husband’s mistake will always be with us because it was so public.
I don’t know how my grandchildren will perceive me in five, ten or fifteen years. The thought that they will not want to be around me is almost too painful to contemplate.
In the last week, it’s as though something in me has died. I feel myself becoming very self-protective again; not trusting anyone because I’m tired of trust being broken.
I know it’s ridiculous because there are 6 billion people on this planet and I live in high style compared to 95% of those 6 billion. But pain is pain and money doesn’t change that.
I told my therapist to call me Esau, as in “Jacob have I loved and Esau have I hated.” Yes, I know that the Old Testament is given to hyperbole. But after all the prayers, tears and begging God for something–a whisper, a word, a nod, a wink–I just feel like Esau. Jacob was a scheming, cheating conniver, but he was chosen over Esau, the first born.
My theology is in pieces all around me, much the way my life was 10.5 months ago. Friends have quoted and written to me every encouraging piece of scripture the Bible contains. My therapist has stated that he believes it is wrong to pull individual verses out and quote them as promises to us in today’s society. Because my heart is so pitted and torn, I don’t know what to believe.
And I think I have finally reached the point where I just can’t fight anymore.
So it feels like my life is over. I don’t know how much I’ll be allowed to be around my grandchildren. I hope that it’s enough for me to impress on their hearts how much I love them. I think that’s my greatest value at this point.
Will I ever completely forgive the people that inflicted so much damage to my heart and soul? I don’t know. They robbed me of a chance of a well-functioning life. That’s hard to forgive.