Accept and Suck it Up
Went to therapy yesterday; not a great time. I sensed impatience and a little bit of contempt from my guy. I came home and told my husband that our therapist was mean, but after thinking about it, there’s more to it than that.
His advice is that yeah, life stinks for me (not as much as it could) and it might for the rest of my life, so I should accept that and suck it up. And I guess I should have moved past the hurt of the last nearly ten months by now.
Oh that it were that simple.
My soul still aches from many things, my heart still cries out to God and longs for healing. Therapist says I wouldn’t be able to hear God if He was talking to me because I’m so negative. It’s very possible that’s true–life has taught me to protect myself.
He’s told me to be honest and tell God when I’m angry with Him. I don’t think that’s a good idea. It hasn’t done much good for me and if God wants obedience, I don’t need anymore demerits.
So, I will live in limbo. I wish my therapist would quit talking about free will; that’s a joke. Most of my free will was taken from me when I was a child. The things that happened to me poured a thick goo over me that would stick to me for the rest of my life. Free will? Hell, I still can’t escape the goo that clouds my vision, makes moving towards anything else an exhausting effort.
Contempt just adds another layer of goo. Frustration with me because I can’t so easily accept and suck it up does, too.