I Got Nothin’

by irenedavid

You would think after nearly 10 months, I would have some idea of what was going on with my life, where I was headed.  There have been a few days when I thought things were about to settle down, but it seems we’re a long way from that.

Today, I got nothin’.  “Recovery” seems to have flattened out.  I have never felt so old or like such a nobody, which is saying something because I have never really felt like “anybody.”  I think that is largely due to being a borderline, but I’d thought I would be further down the line after four months of therapy.

Don’t know if I trust my therapist anymore–some of that is due to being a borderline, too, but something is “off” there.  I don’t think he would give me the time of day if we’d met under any other circumstances.  Everything I say and do has to be measured–thought out carefully and more cautiously spoken.

I wish God would just write it on the wall.  Life seems gray.  You’d think that was a good thing because borderlines usually only see things as black or white.

But gray is not much better.  It’s the color of rainy, cloudy, cold days.  That’s kinda how life feels right now.

And why this should bother me, I don’t know because my life could be so much worse…but the ache and sorrow are still with me and I’m worn down.

God, is the verse about abundant life for our time here on earth?