Why isn’t it Enough?
I went to therapy today. I’m pretty sure my therapist is tired of seeing me twice a week. He probably thinks I have gone as far as I can go, at least with him. But, hell, I don’t know where else to go.
Today, we found out that our youngest daughter and her husband are expecting our fourth grandchild. My oldest daughter is about 3 weeks away from delivery of our third granddaughter. I’m really excited for them all….but not as excited as I would have been 10 months ago. I think that’s because of everything that’s happened in the last nine months. It has changed my perception of my life, and left me wary of joyful events. I didn’t realize that until our oldest told me she was pregnant. I was happy, but knew my level of interaction with this pregnancy would not be as great as the first two.
I find this fact disturbing. My life has been so jacked up that I’m self-absorbed and find “new” unsettling. I feel less confident in who I am than I did ten months ago, and that’s saying something because my self-esteem ten months ago was pitiful. Trying to explain this feeling to my husband and therapist (BTW, they were both in my session today and it kinda felt like they ganged up on me a couple of times) just made me feel like a whiny baby.
Maybe it’s just the borderline in me. I’ve never felt like I was worth much to anyone. I’ve written two novels my own daughters won’t read; talk about a kick in the butt. Took me 25 years to believe I could write, then I finally did and none of my siblings or my children have read them.
Yeah, I know…I sound like a whiny baby.
But I’ve never known who I was and now I know even less. Except that I’m a borderline, which is not a great thing to find out about yourself. So I go to therapy to try and figure out why I don’t like myself, why I feel so unworthy, who the heck I am, and my therapist is hinting that I don’t need to show up twice a week.
Why shouldn’t he be tired of me? I’m freaking tired of me, too.