I’ll Never Make it as an Atheist…
So, two days ago, I decided to be an atheist–not for forever, but for a little while. I thought maybe if I just decided there was no God, then the torment of struggling to believe He loved me unconditionally would end. And my therapist told me to quit praying altogether and just be silent so the Holy Spirit could groan on my behalf.
Today, I am 0 for 2.
“No God” is simply too big a stretch for me. And life is too painful to not make verbal sounds when I’m in the quiet.
Two days ago, I asked my husband to please leave me, for his sake. My struggle stresses him out terribly, which I totally understand because it makes me feel like I’m possessed. I don’t think I am, but I think satan is very good at the evil he does. Then yesterday, I told my husband I could effing kill him–I meant it. He said that was one of the most honest things I’d said to him and he understood. This morning, I cried and apologized because I felt so terrible about saying that to him. He still maintains that we need honesty in our marriage instead of pushing the anger and resentment down inside ourselves.
Do other folks have to wade through this kind of murky, nasty issues in their lives, or are we just freaks? If others do deal with issues like these, why can’t people, especially Christians, be more honest about it? As one friend said, it’s reciprocal denial—I’ll pretend that you’re okay, if you’ll pretend that I’m okay. When did Christians get to the point where that became standard operating procedure? Aren’t we supposed to bear each others burdens, support each other, lift each other up? Where the heck did that go? Why does that have to be done sort of on the sly? Why isn’t it wholesale, church-wide, no holds barred confession and forgiveness with a hefty follow-up of support and prayer? What are we afraid of?
I think this is where a little bit of my belief that God keeps score comes from. Some sins are “not so bad” and others are horrendous. But the reality is that sin is SIN to God. Your I’ve-never-hurt-anyone-by-fudging-0n-my-taxes drove a nail into Christ’s hand as much as my husband’s p0rn addiction did, as much as my disbelief did. Do you think the nails hurt any less because some of the sins the Blessed Lamb died for were “little” sins?
Christ put himself on the cross because every last, stinking one of us was sinful and was doomed without His sacrifice.
Again, I have strayed far from where I started. Well, I said in the beginning that I would post these raw and unedited. Pray for me. I am suffering because of my unbelief, and I’ll take every prayer I can get from anyone, especially another redeemed sinner who knows what it’s like to need God to rain down mercy.