My Journal Entry to God Today

by irenedavid

March 15, 2013

Dear God, the therapist says I try to manipulate You.  Told me not to pray for a while.  I can’t make myself sing, now I can’t pray.  I guess I have been trying to get You to do SOMETHING.  I know You have done a ton for us.  Guess I’m just in so much pain right now, I can’t appreciate it.  Sorry.

Free will?  What the hell is that?  Most of my will was taken away from me—my siblings, the disinterest of my parents, my husband, his parents.  The only time I felt fearless and like I had free will was when I was a teenager.  I wasn’t doing much to honor You then.  Free Will?  I don’t know about that, but then I don’t know s**t about anything right now.

I’m not going to wear my necklace anymore.  Is that trying to manipulate You?  Probably so.  If You love me unconditionally, does that even matter?

So, what is it—free will or not; unconditional love or not?  Abundant life here on earth or not?  But I can’t pray because I don’t even know when I am trying to manipulate You, or when I’m just in so much pain, I’ll say anything to You if You’ll just stop it.

Work things together for my good?  Is that for after I die?  If it is, why am I still here?  You have big shoulders, don’t You?  That’s what unconditional love would suggest.

I have no idea who You are or what You are.  Again, I’m sorry, but what’s the point in pretending.