Addendum to Journal Entry to God
I suppose that’s a little ridiculous for me because I’m going atheist for a while. Maybe that’s me trying to manipulate You again. But I’ve realized that most people try to manipulate You. Really; think about it. How many people HONESTLY adore You and praise You just because You are God? I don’t think that many people do. My therapist cusses sometimes to prove that You would rather have his true emotion than a fake one, but that’s just a little kid seeing if he can be naughty and still be cute enough to get away with it.
If my actions can’t change Your perfect will, than it doesn’t matter how I act, and if You love me unconditionally, then it doesn’t matter. If you are a punisher, then I’m screwed anyway because I am so miserable and heartbroken right now. If how I behave determines how You behave, then You’re really not that big a god, are You?
Mad at me yet? It sure has felt like You were less than pleased with me for several months now. Maybe that’s just the depression talking. That’s one of the few upsides. Turns out my crying my eyes out two or three times a day is not a borderline behavior, it’s just depression. That’s good news; at least I can’t be accused of acting like a borderline. Of course, the downside is that I’m already on four meds for depression and they’re not doing much good.
And I have to wonder if You’re even listening to this, or if I’m just a child throwing a temper tantrum and You’re telling all the angels to ignore me because I’m just acting out.
If one more person tells me everything will be okay or to keep my chin up, I swear I’m going to explode.