The Darkness Rushing In

by irenedavid

Yesterday, I had a full-blown day in the hopeless depth of depression, and it has carried over into today.  It has been nine months and I have prayed so many different prayers, read so many different scriptures, posted ‘God loves me” verses on my mirror, sung so many different songs, been to therapy with a really good therapist for three months now…and my heart feels as ravaged as it ever has.

There are an abundance of verses in the Bible that speak of God’s plan for a life, that speak of peace He will give, that speak of Him being the author and perfecter of my faith  I want to believe in Grace; that nothing I do can kill God’s love for me.  That God loves me like I love my daughters and granddaughters.  I can’t make the connection, though, between the intense pain and anguish I feel and the prayers I’ve prayed, and the reality that God seems silent in regards to these issues.

Is this the plan He has for me?  To live the rest of my life in torment, and wonder if I will ever have anything of significance to offer?  That I will fear that my husband will rethink our staying together?  That life will just ground me into powder while people tell me not to lose hope because God has something great in store for me and they just know everything will be okay?

Yeah, walk a mile in my shoes and tell me you would feel that way about yourself.  People so blithely say the most condescending words of consolation.

Where are You, God?