Why do I Feel Guilty When I Feel Good?
Yesterday was a really good day. I had to lock myself in the bathroom at work and pray for a little bit, asking God to help me calm down. He did, and the morning went well. Then my husband and I left for the “big city” (it’s only 30 miles away) to go to therapy, but first we went and picked up tickets for a local play. The final dress rehearsal is cheap, cheap and so we paid $5 for two tickets.
Therapy was really good, although the ways of coping with my disorder are going to take time. My therapist says impatience is my biggest enemy right now. My husband is doing really well. He has great support for overcoming his pornography addiction. And he never wonders if God loves him. That drives me nuts! Part of being a borderline is a constant feeling of unworthiness and being unlovable, so I struggle through most of a day to believe God could possibly love me unconditionally. Then to be told that that issue will probably always lurk in the background is almost more than I can bear some days.
However, as frustrating as that is, therapy was good. I am old enough to be my therapist’s mother, but he is so smart and so good at reading people and so effective in his counseling that it doesn’t bother me like it used to. He told me a little about his childhood and his mother; absolutely broke my heart, so now there are times when I look at him and see a five-year-old boy who should have been loved and adored. I started praying for him because I know that the hurt is still there. When you’re five years old and have major events which make you feel worthless and unloved, the hurt is going to stay with you, even if you know how to process and cope with it.
After therapy, we went and ate somewhere cheap and then went to the play. It was good to be out together, doing something different. We got home a little late, but that was okay, too.
My husband and I have been married for 35 years. We are more at peace and in love with each other than ever before. I’m so grateful for God’s work in our lives. We both still have a lot of work to do separately and together, but we’re committed to doing it.
So, of course, this morning, I felt guilty for feeling so good. satan is a destroyer and thief. But Christ put satan in his place, and I praise Him for His love.