I Despise Being a Borderline

by irenedavid

Well, I have crashed.  Got home from work and ate lunch.  Watched a show on tv while my husband went to meet a friend.  During the time he was gone, I started praying and was suddenly in full wipe-out, sobbing mode.

Being a borderline means that my perception of events and myself is skewed.  I never realized how much until a few weeks ago, but even realizing that this problem goes on doesn’t mean I can control it.  And so, I had a meltdown and spent about an hour crying.

I hate this, despise it.  It has been my nemesis for so many, many years and knowing that it has a name doesn’t help much except that now I realize I was not demon-possessed; other people are dealing with this disorder as well.  But I’ve begged God so many times to take this away from me because it so deeply affects my relationship with Him.

I had such a great day yesterday, but, sooner or later, I have a low spot in the day, and it just makes me miserable.

It is so frustrating because my husband is doing so well in his recovery to porn addiction.  I want to celebrate that, and I’ve told God how grateful I am for the work He has done, but the wiring in my brain is not right.  That’s literally how I think of it now.  My wires are jacked up.

I can’t figure out what God is up to.  I don’t know what He wants from me.  And I wonder if I would know God’s voice if I heard it.  I don’t know what to trust anymore because for so many years, I have had a different reality than most people had.

I’m 56 and so jacked up I don’t know who I am or what I’m good for.