3:00 a.m. and All’s Not Well
I write this as I lie in bed next to my husband, unable to fall back to sleep. It’s become somewhat of a ritual for me to awaken around 2:30 every night. Tonight it appears that my brain won’t allow slumber to overtake me again.
I am unsettled in my soul. I was dull-witted in therapy yesterday and had feelings of “what’s the point?” I’m tired of the layers and layers of issues that are my life. Funny; being a borderline, I used to have a skewed perception of reality. I almost wish I could go back there. Almost.
I am in limbo and tired of it. Yes, I know that no one knows what will happen any given day, but most folks have an idea and, if nothing out-of-the-ordinary happens, their day will procede along a fairly predictable course. Some call this a rut. Right now, I would call it calming and peaceful.
For 8.5 months, life has been one uncertainty after another and it still is. No job for my husband, therapy that has added more to my plate than I ever could have imagined, seeing less of my children and grandchildren, wondering if God will grant me a respite from this turmoil like people keep telling me He will.
To quote a song that has become my anthem,
“Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends; that You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.”
Discouraged has been passed by. I can’t really describe my state of mind at this juncture. All I can see ahead of me is a rocky, dusty road and I’m weary of the jolts that come with it.