Anger Lists…part deux
On Monday, my therapist and I talked about some of the people on my anger list. He was one of them, so we rummaged around that for a while and got him off the list. (I’m not sure he should have been there, but he wanted to work through it anyway).
Tomorrow, I will talk with him about my anger with God. Yeah, it’s scary to even say that I’m angry with God, but the fact is I am, so I’d better confront it and move on. I’m angry that He didn’t keep me from being abused. That abuse created this borderline personality disorder and all the charming aspects that go with it. I’m angry that He didn’t make my parents more aware of the trauma I was going through with the abuse and the loneliness of going to four different elementary schools in six years….all in the same town. I’m the only kid in the family that didn’t go to grades 1-6 at the same school.
I’m angry that He didn’t keep my husband from seeing porn at an early age and it becoming an escape for him from the pain of his childhood. I’m angry that He didn’t make me realize how bad my husband’s porn addiction had become.
I’ve posted previously that one of the lovely little foibles of BPD is a deep sense of being unlovable, which majorly impacts my relationship with God. Being angry with God means (to me) that He’s ticked that I have the nerve to be angry and question Him. And if He’s ticked at me, who knows what might happen.
Yet, I’ve read enough scripture to know that God is not a score keeper or someone who scrutinizes my every thought, word and deed in order to ‘zap’ me when I screw up. Don’t get me started on how many people have told me repeatedly that God loves me unconditionally. Today, I came home and got on my knees to beg God to heal me from this agonizing strand of my disorder. It is so painful that there have been times when I have asked Him to just kill me so I’ll quit hurting.
I want beauty from ashes for me, and my husband. We are flawed, screwed up people who are desperately trying to put our lives and life back together, and right now, it feels like that won’t ever happen. God seems mighty far away, and my heart fears that He’s staying away because I’m angry with Him…a mere human having the unmitigated gall to be angry with the Creator.
Pray for me.