Today’s my Birthday…BPD, another gift that keeps on giving.
My title sounds a little pessimistic, doesn’t it? I don’t mean it to be; it’s just that I don’t know what to do with this diagnosis. It feels like something in me has changed because I now know where the dark nights of my soul come from.
It’s my birthday. My husband invited a couple over to eat with us tonight. The wife is the good friend that I sent an email about discovering that I was a borderline, and then didn’t hear a peep out of her–still haven’t. So I’m apprehensive about them being here because I don’t think she really wanted to be, but didn’t know how to say no. How’s that for borderline thinking? I oughta get 9 out of 10 for that little gem.
Our money is very tight right now (my husband still doesn’t have a job), but he asked if he could buy me a gift and I gave him a limit on how much he could spend. I opened it today and couldn’t quite figure it out for a second. It was a set of sweats (we really enjoy getting into “comfy” clothes in the late afternoon. I looked at him and he said, “They’re gray.” I laughed out loud. Can’t think how many times he or my therapist have told me there are shades of gray between black and white.
I’ve been begging God to tell me what I’m supposed to do with my knowledge and the recovery process. (Don’t tell my therapist; he told me I couldn’t pray for myself for a month, but I cheated because it’s my darn birthday). It just feels like I should be doing something.
The number of people out there who are gut-wrenchingly suffering with BPD makes my heart ache. I’m going to my first local NAMI meeting Monday night. Maybe I will find a way to plug in there.
As “enlightened” as we are in this country, there are too many suicides, people who are suffering from depression, BPD, being bipolar, or just simply being so stressed out that they can’t make themselves sit down and relax for 10 minutes.
Hmmm…I feel a sermon coming on, so I’ll quit for now.
This is going to be my BPD theme song:
Blessings to all those that are hurting and feel as though no one understands what they are going through.