The Grieving Has Begun

by irenedavid

I accepted I was a borderline a couple of months ago, but I have just lately started reading about it.  My therapist recommended that I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, but I can’t make it past the first 40 pages.  It’s too painful.  I had a staggering moment a few days ago when I could see myself 20 years ago screaming about something that happened.  I was literally watching myself from that moment in the past, and the recognition of myself nearly made me physically ill.

My husband and I are slogging through each of our disorders together and separately.  We are putting our therapist’s kids through college.  I don’t care; I so long for this hurt to go away, I’d sell a kidney to get the money to stay in therapy.

But right now, I am grieving–grieving the mother my children had and the wife my husband had.  Grieving the dark, dark places that my mind lived in for so long.  Grieving the little girl in me that was robbed of her bravery and self-worth at such a young age.

Grief is a huge part of the recovery process and it can be biting.  I want therapy to go faster, but that won’t lessen the grief.  I’ve begged God to save me from this.  I have a massive load of memories I will have to go through and grieve, and I’m so worn out from all of it.

I’m amazed that I never succumbed to some kind of addiction to numb the pain.  Being oblivious would be wonderful, especially now.  But I’m a glutton for punishment and no one can punish me better than I can.

Dear Lord God, please save me.