Trying to Adjust…

by irenedavid

It’s a gray, cold, cloudy day.  I wish the sun was shining because I am trying to adjust my mind to “normal” thought.  I have had a couple of epiphanies about my borderline thinking and have been caught off-guard by them.  It’s been a learning curve for my husband, too, because now he realizes that some of the irrational things I’ve said in the past were things I actually believed.  I wasn’t saying them to be dramatic–I honestly believed them.

For instance, we were living overseas when my younger sister got married.  She chose a date that we couldn’t make and I was convinced that she had chosen that date so that I couldn’t be there.  After hearing about the wedding via a phone call from my mother, I burst into tears and ran up the stairs screaming, “She did this on purpose so I couldn’t attend.”  At the time, my husband told me how ridiculous that was.

We were talking this incident the other day and when he quoted what I had said, I had a sudden recognition of how crazy it must have sounded.

This kind of thinking has been my nemesis for so long.  Even now, when a friend of mine doesn’t text or call me for a couple of days, my first thought is that I’ve worn her out.  She can’t take being around me anymore.

I hate this, absolutely despise it.  I keep wondering why it took so many years for me to discover this was a mental illness.  God knows I felt mentally ill often enough.If my therapist hadn’t put a ban a month-long ban on prayer for myself , I’d spend every day, several times a day, on my knees begging God to tell me why this knowledge was coming so late in life.

I may have said this in an earlier post; my therapist says impatience is the biggest obstacle to my learning to cope with this.  I want to make up for lost time, but this is going to be a slow process.