A Wretched Day…
Coming to grips with borderline personality disorder is more difficult than I thought it would be. It’s not like I didn’t know well the manifestations of the condition; I just never knew there was a clinical diagnosis for it.
Most of the characteristics have mellowed or gone away completely at this age (I’m four days short of 56), but the one I would love to be rid of the most is still very much alive and kicking…kicking really hard.
I often describe myself as despicable. I hate myself for things I’ve done, things I haven’t done, things I haven’t done well enough, things I did too late, etc, etc, etc. This feeling drives my insecurity about friendships, but worst of all, it wreaks havoc on my relationship with God.
After all, how can God possibly love someone who is so flawed, so unworthy and so unlovable? So many people have given me great ideas about ways to believe that God loves me unconditionally. Post-it notes on the mirror, Bible verses that I carry in my purse and read over and over. I couldn’t ever figure out why that worked for them, and didn’t work for me. And now, I have an idea of why. Which is wonderful to know, but horrible to realize that because I’m a borderline, this aspect may not ever get much better. And that causes incredible grief to run through me.
My glimmer of hope in all this is that my husband now understands why I am the way I am, and my therapist is himself a borderline who is scary-good at what he does. The first few times I saw him, I was very wary. Now I am so deeply grateful for him. I trust him implicitly, which is saying a lot for a borderline. Maybe that’s proof of how good a therapist he is.
But today was a really crappy day, and I’m exhausted from thinking about the implications of being a borderline. I am grieving over the mom my children saw as they grew up. By God’s Grace I never abused them physically, but they saw enough of my screaming tirades to have painful memories. I mourn the years I have wasted for myself and my husband. And I am constantly praying that the great therapist God led me to can make the next chapter of my life one of more consistent joy, and giving joy to others.