Hurts to Know I’m a Bit of a Freak

by irenedavid

Last night, I decided to Google “borderline personality disorder.” What a mistake. It really hit me hard to read that only 6% of adults have BPD. My therapist suggested the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” so that I could begin to understand my “illness.” Yikes! After reading what I did last night, I’m scared to read Eggshells because I was danged depressed last night and this morning.

My husband has assured me that I have a mild case of BPD. That’s not much help when I feel as screwed up as I do. There are days when I long for oblivion, maybe a nice coma where the world can go on around me and I sleep through some of the painful days. One of the problems with accepting that you’re a borderline is that you then have to face the fact that you hurt a lot of people in the time before you finally accepted who you were. Those that get hurt are almost always family–loving husbands, precious children. I came out of my childhood swearing that my children would never be hurt the way I was. They weren’t–I hurt them in other ways, ways that they are still dealing with.

Being a borderline has had a major impact on how I believe God sees me, which afflicts my life every day. And now, since realizing who I am, I constantly berate myself for not doing something about me long ago, for being so fearful of nearly everything in my life, for causing my kids pain, for making my husband walk on eggshells for 35 years. I tally these sins up and wonder how in the world God can love me. I am pathetic at best, and who knows how long it will take for me to learn the coping skills I need to be able to function like I should.

Oh, yeah that’s another thing. I’ve been going into the therapist’s office saying I wanted him to “fix” me. Thursday, he told me he can’t; my disorder will not go away. You can’t imagine how frustrated that made me. I cussed at him and asked him what I was doing in his office. He told me he could help me learn to cope and manage my borderline inclinations, but I wasn’t going to be “fixed” as in this disorder would completely go away.

The best advice I can give anyone at this point is this: If you have issues in your life that are still causing you pain and grief after many years, or if you’re someone who stuffs their anger and resentment down inside of you, find a good counselor. Problems that hang around year after year will cause you nothing but heartache. I can’t believe the time I’ve wasted on my “illness.” I can’t believe the pain I’ve inflicted. It’s embarrassing and sad.

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