I Can’t WHAT?
Saw my therapist yesterday; he’s scary good at what he does. A month ago, he told me I had to quit reading the Bible for a month. I did it, but it was tough. Good Christians are supposed to read their Bible every day. Turns out, he knew what he was talking about. It helped a lot for me to not flip frantically through the Bible searching for that one verse that could make everything “okay.”
Yesterday, at the end of a really good session, he told me I could not pray for myself for a month. He asked how much I just reveled in who God was. I said not much lately. My life shattered eight months ago and I’ve been begging God to put it back together ever since, usually several times a day with tears. So my therapist said I could only pray for others and pray in adoration of who God is. He said the Holy Spirit groans on our behalf and God already knows what my needs are, so I should spend more time in being still and knowing he is God.
Now, I’ve been in a bit of a tizzy this morning. By this point in the day, I’ve usually already begged God several times to heal me, remake my heart, end my pain, etc. All I can think is I’m not doing my part, I’m not doing my part.
Guess what? I don’t have a part. Jesus is the author and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:2). He gives us GRACE, LOVE, peace, strength, our daily needs. I have always felt like it was irresponsible of me to take that for granted, so I would pray and worry, worry and pray. Praying usually for things that God had already given me. Asking for forgiveness for the same things over and over again. Praying more because God might love me more if I would say the right prayer and “do my part.”
It will probably take me a while to truly believe (and I may never believe it 100% because if I do, that’s not faith; faith holds an element of doubt) that God loves me unconditionally and has forgiven my sins–past, present and future. He’s done it all. I have to get out of His way.
God loves me and Jesus’ blood has covered my sin. Repeat x 1000 or until you believe it more often than you don’t.
Oh, and I can’t pray for myself, but you can! I don’t think that’s cheating…but don’t tell my therapist.