I’m Wiped Out
People tell me that God will not give me more than I am able to handle. I hope that’s true because I’ve reached the tipping point. I need a small stretch of peace and calm. At this moment, I feel like I could absolutely lose it at any moment.
I had such a good therapy session yesterday, but virtually every time I have something positive happen, something negative will come along and give me a hard kick. Yesterday was no different. Today, I am sinking in depression, bordering on hopelessness.
I stand before God as a human who has no control over her life, who cannot create grace, love, comfort or peace on my own. I am supposed to bow before Him and tell Him that I am powerless and I want His work in my life. I have done that repeatedly, and yet I am still tormented by taunts of unworthiness, unloveliness, and being unforgivable.
I am beginning to think I have an evil spirit that needs to be cast out. Honestly, that’s how I feel. Why won’t God remove this utter torment from me?
Being in such pain just reinforces the thought that I must be unforgivable, that I’m not lovable. What parent allows their child to be in intense pain if they can prevent it?
I’m not being flip. I am trying to figure out what God is doing, and what I’m supposed to do. I need a miracle, but I can’t MAKE God do anything.
I don’t know that I want to continue this life if pain is what’s in store for me for the next 20-30 years. I know I’m supposed to have faith, but even God has got to help me with that. I can’t manufacture anything on my own.