I am so unsettled in my spirit today. It’s a feeling of desperately wanting God to tell me something…anything about what or who I will be in six months.
The pain, anguish, guilt, anger and uncertainty I have been through in the last eight months has been excruciating. I have prayed and prayed and begged and begged God to work in my life, to renew my heart, to KILL me if He’s not going to change me. I used to be afraid of losing my “baggage” because I had carried it so long that I couldn’t imagine who I would be without it. Now, I feel like if I don’t cut myself free, it will destroy me.
So I feel like in limbo–working to get past my past, but having no idea of what use I will be in the future.
I feel panicky sometimes when I get like this. Where is that perfect peace scripture speaks of? Am I not doing something I’m supposed to do? Grace says I don’t have to DO anything. I believe in GRACE not works.
But the reality is, when I get this unsettled feeling, I begin to thrash around for something I can do to make God “happier” with me. And that just tortures me more because that bird dog just ain’t gonna hunt.
God, I’m frustrated, befuddled and heartbroken. Please pull me from the slimy pit and set my feet on solid ground. Bind up my wounds, dry my tears and let me glorify You.