I saw my therapist yesterday. He seemed a bit bored, which is so good for my self-image. (that’s sardonicism). We talked a little about anger and he said I had to make a list of all the people I feel anger towards and write down the things I’m angry about that I have not confronted them with.
That’s pretty funny. I’ve confronted myself, my husband and God, but I don’t ever see myself confronting my siblings, my parents, my children or my therapist. He thinks confrontation would be beneficial; I think it would be suicidal. I’m nearly 56 years old. My parents are elderly, my older sibs are in their 60’s, my youngest in her late 40’s. I cannot imagine the reaction that would be set off if I confronted any of them. Believe me, I would pay a bigger price than I am now. I have no doubt I would be torn to shreds. The one and only time I even came close to confronting any of them, I was treated like a pariah. No more self-inflicted defensive wounds for me.
I am low this morning. I have no idea what God is doing with my life. There is still a tremendous amount of pain from several sources. I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever have a season, even a week of peace again. And when I think about that, the notion that how much pain is worth putting up with crosses my mind.