An Exhausting Day…
Yesterday, I wrote about how I answered satan when he attacked me with feelings of unworthiness. I said, “No, I don’t deserve to be loved, but God loves me anyway. I don’t deserve all of the good things He has done in my life, but He gave them anyway. I don’t deserve for Him to rejoice over me with singing, take delight in me, or throw a party in heaven when He’s brought me back into the fold, but He did and does all those things anyway. I was not worthy of having Jesus take on my sins and die on the cross for me, but He gladly did it anyway.”
I would give anything to tell you that I triumphed today and had an incredibly spiritual day of peace and calm…but I didn’t. I cannot stop giving God suggestions about a job for my husband, and how quickly to heal my emotional and spiritual struggles. It is so terribly frustrating to me. My therapist says that my struggle to believe God loves me unconditionally is not surprising considering my childhood and the “lessons” I learned from the treatment I received. That’s not much of a consolation. He also says I have made great progress in the last few months, but it still feels like I am crawling along.
He told me three weeks ago that I had to stop my maniacal racing through the Bible for scriptures to “fix” me. So, I’ve gone 21 days without reading scripture frantically. Today, in my session, he asked me how that was going. I told him that it was difficult and I was to the point of wanting to just rip out pages and eat them in the hope that something would permeate my heart and soul.
If you’re reading this, I hope you’ll pray for me, and my marriage and a job for my husband.