What Was I Thinking?

by irenedavid

Several months ago, I came home from work and fell to my knees in front of the couch to pray. Well, pray is not exactly the word I would use. It was more a sobbing, agonizing groaning from the core of my body being ripped out of me. The pain was so intense, I was afraid it might kill me…and afraid it might not.
Ever since then, I have been on my knees in front of the couch or my bed nearly every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It is rare when tears do not accompany this action.
My husband and I prayed together this way every time he had to leave for jail and every time he came home from jail. Even now that he has served his sentence, it is not unusual at all for us to pray together in this fashion.
For many days, I begged God to heal me from the pain that drove me to my knees. Yesterday, I realized I will probably need to pray before God on my knees at least a couple of times a day for the rest of my life. And there was peace with the realization that this is not something of which I need to be healed.
God doesn’t mind me crying out to Him with the same prayer many days in a row. It is a privilege to have been driven to my knees and for Him to meet me in these moments when tears are flowing. He loves me and He understands my pain, confusion, and my struggle to believe.
He is helping me to understand that my floundering around to accept that He loves me unconditionally and that He has forgiven my sins are issues that He and Jesus settled at Calvary and I can’t make them any more settled with my pitiful efforts to “be good.”
I was raised in a Christian home. We were in church every time the doors opened. So how have I spent 40-odd years as a Christian without having these things settled in my heart? Because many churches and Christians are doing a lousy job of teaching God’s incredible grace. I guess we’re afraid Christians will take advantage and run amok if there’s too much grace.
I am living proof that the more a person understands grace, the more they will hunger for God’s work in their lives. One year ago, I could never have imagined that I would look forward to spending time on my knees in prayer, but now I count it as a blessed event that God has given me.
I don’t believe that there is one posture or way to pray. God gives to us as we need, not as part of a formula. He loves uniqueness and doesn’t create one-size-fits-all worship.
He is amazing. May I never be “healed” of meeting him in front of my couch, praying on my knees.