How I Got to This Point

by irenedavid

I am dreadfully insecure; have been for over 45 years. My therapist has said that if I had been “healthy” or my husband had been “healthy” we wouldn’t have stayed with each other before we married. That was kind of a kick in the teeth.
But it is sort of pathetic that we have gotten to this point in our lives (mid-50’s) and we’re still so messed up.
I had a painful childhood. My siblings were unusually cruel to me, which resulted in me believing I was not lovable. That was reinforced in my early adulthood by my future in-laws, and to a certain extent, by my now-husband because he couldn’t break free from the pressure of his parents. All that to say, that I am incredibly insecure and often anticipate that people will, at some point, dislike me.
My husband’s problems began with an overbearing father, who had no problem slapping him whenever he had a hankering to, and a mother who gave love when she was pleased by certain behaviors and withheld it when she was displeased. I personally have never met anyone who can express displeasure and disapproval like my mother-in-law. And she disapproved of me, even before she met me. She didn’t think her son should be engaged before he graduated from college.
I’ve been a Christian for a long time, but I didn’t do any deep digging into who I am to God, how much He loves me and how incredibly forgiven I am. I don’t think enough of churches in this country preach extreme grace—the wild grace that God has for us. I reckon it’s because pastors and some Christians are afraid of grace being cheapened. So there are still implied rules from almost every pastor and/or church.
I can’t live up to those rules, and I still feel guilty over that. But I am begging God to help me accept His wildly incredible grace. That grace has not led me to take it for granted and make it cheap. It has brought me to my knees in prayer more often in the last six months than in the 55 years that preceded them.
I long for God to use me for His glory. I have been nearly “useless” for so many years, it makes my heart ache.